November 20, 2007
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OK....this is purely a confessional get off my chest post...no catch up's really yet. I just need to unload and can't do it with anyone I know-know. Ya know? 'K. So I'm doing pretty good on this weight loss thing...long timers know it's been a goal for me to lose weight...and so far I've lost almost 90 lbs, with only 20 more to go 'til goal. 80 lbs of that has been low-carbing and extreme exercise. With none of my past foolishness included. A little past history...high school years, bulemic/anorexic/eating/exercise disorder. Never obvious enough to get caught, so never really got help for it....anyway, overcame that myself freshman year of college/air force years...binging just every once in awhile (every few months maybe) and yakking. Not too bad, really. Mainly ice cream, 'cause it's easy, ya know? Sorry to gross you out, people, but this is MY confessional. Had kids, got FAT. 90 lbs with my first, lost most of it, then 70 lbs with my second. Content with my fatness, didn't do anything bad. Joined LA Weight Loss a few years back, gained alot of nasty habits...with a forced weigh in, apparently the pressure got to me, and to have a better result, yak anything extra eaten or lax it up. And yes, I knew better. Stopped going to LA 6 after months or so...pressure was TOO much, and I felt like I was killing myself, which in a slow stupid way, I guess I was. Went low-carb for a year and a half...NO purging whatsoever, 'cause if a carb even reaches your tummy, it's in there, no going back. But please know I ate healthy...lots of meat and veggies and berry fruit...only did extreme low carb every once in awhile for jump start purposes...basically cut out all white food and breads...did wonders. Excercise stayed at disorder levels, I know, but I consider that better than other things. Now, I've joined Weight Watchers, what 7 weeks ago today? (another weigh in today) Still exercise freak, of course...I feel that if I don't work out, it's so much easier to eat, like, what's it matter? So anyway, forced weigh ins. On low carb I was weighing myself once a day, sometimes twice...no problems for me. Now, I'm stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Last Monday night, I took ex-lax to try to counterbalance some of the eating I had done during the week, just so I could have some loss to the scale. I've been crawling along like 1-3 ounces at a time, every so often losing a pound here or there....weight loss for 7 weeks being 8 or so pounds. So I cheated and took ex lax last week. Lost a pound and a half....and YES I KNOW IT WAS ONLY WATER WEIGHT. But it felt good to have a big loss. So this week I went way into my extra 35 points...and took exlax again last night, for a good weigh in today. 3 of them. Did research on the internet to remind me AGAIN the dangers of laxative overuse. I know, I know. I know better. So, ready for some more stupidity? I made myself throw up the laxatives. I even had a really good eating day yesterday...ate all my points perfectly...fish, broccoli, and rice for dinner. Anyway all the laxatives in the house are gone. Gone, dissolved down the toilet. I can't tell my husband...I don't want him looking over my shoulder all the time...he knows it's been a problem for me in the past...I can't let him know it's recurring pretty harshly right now...it's something I think I"m gonna just have to put on my big girl panties for and tough through it myself...and I don't want anyone else to question my weight loss to date, cause it's really been me and not any disorders doing it. I just feel so kicked. Why do I do this to myself???? I don't look bad anymore. (in clothes anyway) I feel great athletically...what's wrong with me?
Gotta get my son to school and then go weigh in...let you know how it goes, if I get a chance.
Comments (4)
This is a tough one. I know you don't have anyone in "real" life to share with, but feel free to unload here. I can't imagine how frustrating it's been for you, mostly because I can't lose 1 single lb. even with watching what I eat and exercising daily. I found out recently that due to a medical condition and on my medication I recently lost 7 lbs. doing nothing. If I start to put it back on I'm going to be so upset. I admit I've thought about doing laxatives or even purging, but truth be told I've had to many friends with eating disorders and seen the havoc it wreaks in their lives. I'm afraid if I start I'll have to deal with that and frankly, with everything else in my life, I just don't think I could. I hope you can get over this. Knowing how dangerous that behavior is to you, and looking at all you've accomplished without it. Get back to focusing on what you've done without that stuff. You can do it. and it may take longer, but it will be healthy and it will last!
I dont know too much about this subject...but in my unprofessional opinion. It is the fear/worry of anyone criticizing you that motivates this behavior with you the most. I am sure if you dredged your "inner lake" there is someone who hurt you very deeply and those feelings and that negativity is what you fear this time around and when you are criticized. Find it, single it out, and find a way to let go. You have to be happy with yourself, for yourself, and have to be able to smile at yourself in the mirror everyday. You sound like a sensitive perfectionist to me. We always take things far worse than most would which can lead us to live in the "extremes". Ok...now you can let me know if I am fired as a psychologist and shouldnt give up my day job. LOL Good luck, Sweetie. Just remember.....you have come a long long way. Dont let the pressure of the weigh ins cause you to do ANYTHING that could damage your health!!!!! We love you. HUGs!
helloooooooooooooooo where are you? everything ok? Hope you have a happy Holiday!